Thu Nov 14, 2019

We Need To Talk About #StormArea51 — Here’s Everything You Need To Know — (Updated Daily)





Is this a standard internet hoax, a disinformation psyop for distraction, or something nefarious perpetrated by a foreign state actor? Is this a harmless gag or nefarious destructive intent? This distinction is important to parse and talk about, so here we are.

Here’s the plan, as per the creator of the event: “We will all meet up at the Area 51 Alien Center tourist attraction and coordinate our entry. If we Naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets. Let’s see them aliens.”

“Naruto run” refers to the main character in the eponymous Naruto anime, as seen below. So the meme begins…

The Facebook Event Invite also adds, ‘They Can’t Stop All of Us’ — and sets a date for 9/20/19 — 3am to 6am PST.

To recap, the entirety of the plan is as follows — ‘We will all meet up at the Area 51 Alien Center tourist attraction and coordinate our entry. If we naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets. Lets see them aliens.’

As anybody sane can see, this ‘plan’ is obviously suicidal in nature, and the United States Air Force will have their hands full trying to stop a crazed mob — with probable deadly force.

Now, of course, one meme spawns another since this all seems to be nouveau couch potato entertainment. Emoji for effect 🙄. So we get to “clapping cheeks” with aliens. Yup, you read that right. The NEXT connected meme is that the goal is to raid a well-armed military base with a massive force of extremely caffeinated youths, free the aliens that are prisoners and of course have vigorous intergalactic sex with them. Pause for your disbelief.

Now let’s talk about ‘Kyle‘ right quick, which is another meme-branch of this obviously-serious-😏 raid and links directly to the aforementioned extremely caffeinated youths…

A ‘Kyle’ is the internet foot soldier that will carry out the mindless zombie-type-mob action that is necessary for this foolhardy plan to have a snowball’s chance in Hell. Theoretically.

Kyle’s are wildly horny, easily influenced and steadfastly dedicated to whatever foolish cause is current and might get them laid. Oh yeah, and they drink a shit-ton of caffeine. And punch holes in walls to prove their legendary might. That’s probably enough on Kyles. Forever.

OK, back to Aliens. So Area 51 is the fabled final resting place of some sweet alien ass from the Roswell UFO crash of 1947. The well-traveled mythology goes that a UFO crashed in Roswell, and the US military arrived and retrieved alien technology — along with several dead and dying extraterrestrials that were all brought back to Area 51.

The secret base was revealed in 1989 due to a supposed whistleblower named Bob Lazar that worked in the facility as a physicist in the capacity of reverse engineering alien propulsion technology. Notably suspicious, shortly after the Roswell incident, then-President Eisenhower enacted the National Security Act which turned the naive pre-internet era of transparency into the current and everlasting ‘iron curtain’ of censorship, deniability, disinformation, and propaganda.

Now, this entire thing has gone so far off the deep end, that we’re going to need a fast boat to retrieve the dead and bloated corpses lest they become fish food. Every would-be marketer in the universe has latched onto this for whatever publicity it is worth and has demonstrated a grotesque inability to realize this might end up like the Tiananmen Square massacre. Yes, many innocent people dead, for folks that aren’t familiar.

To add some odd synchronicity, Bob Lazar revealed Area 51 as a secret military base in 1989 — the same year Chinese political dissidents stood up for freedom in front of some tanks that wouldn’t stop rolling. Don’t make me cite this moment as some retrocausality thing. Let’s hope not, anyway.

Arby’s, Budweiser and Guy Fieri have used this as a way to forward their brand agendas, so expect some additions to come along as we draw closer to the event. Budweiser offered free beer to any aliens that escape. Guy Fieri claimed he would show up and BBQ a special recipe called ‘radioactive ribs’. Arby’s gets the spirit participation nod for going all out and will supposedly drive a special catering truck from their Georgia headquarters — all the way to Nevada and will bring a special themed menu for the occasion. As more advertisers come on board, we will add them here. Check back daily for more unbelievable nonsense.

So of course, all this hoopla caught the attention of the United States Military, notably the Air Force. According to NPR, the Air Force statement goes like this…

“The U.S. Air Force is aware of the Facebook event encouraging people to ‘Storm Area 51,’ ” an Air Force spokesperson told NPR.

“The Nevada Test and Training Range provides flexible, realistic and multidimensional battlespace to test and develop tactics as well as conduct advanced training in support of U.S. national interests,” said the official, using the full name of a site that includes Area 51. “Any attempt to illegally access the area is highly discouraged.”

Does that sound like the next Alien EDM Festival to you? Zero sense of humor involved when dealing with official people. Don’t get cute. Speaking of Alien EDM festivals, the creator of the event on Facebook has floated the idea to do exactly that. Quoted from Matty Roberts himself…

“I want to make it like a festival of sorts, a bunch of different music artists, everyone from the EDM world, maybe some indie rock, maybe some smaller guys who are up and coming,” Roberts, 20, of Bakersfield, California, told KERO-TV. “I’ve had a lot of people DM [direct message] the page and say they’re bands want to play there, which would be super cool.”

Just to be sure we know they aren’t kidding, USAF spokesperson Laura McAndrews added an additional statement: “The United States Air Force is aware of the Facebook post. The Nevada Test and Training Range is an area where the Air Force tests and trains combat aircraft. As a matter of practice, we do not discuss specific security measures, but any attempt to illegally access military installations or military training areas is dangerous.”

Science, of course, chimed in with their take on the event and the odds that alien life exists here on Earth. According to Ian Whittaker, lecturer in physics at Nottingham Trent University —

“But while we can’t rule out other life in the universe, it is virtually impossible that there could be alien visitors already on Earth. For them to visit us, they would have to detect us first. And we can assume that they would do this in the same way that we are looking for them, using radio noise. As a planet, we have only been emitting man-made radio waves for the last 100 years. As radio waves travel at the speed of light, only aliens within 100 light-years of us could even know we are here. Considering the diameter of the Milky Way is 105,000 light-years, we haven’t even begun to be detectable to most of our local galaxy, let alone the universe.”

Naruto Runner IRL

Let’s hope that there isn’t a massacre. If you would like to Naruto run, please stay home and do it somewhere safe. We want alien confirmation as much as anybody, but not at the expense of many dead bodies.

While you’re here, check out our podcast. You might like it. We host an interactive live-stream twice a week. All the details are on the home page.